A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, "Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain." A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, "Of course." To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. "Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall." Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong. He answered, "Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!" A man and his wife are playing the 5th hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway." He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her. A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway." He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!" O'Keefe regularly plays golf on Sunday mornings with three Orthodox Jews. Every Sunday, they break par while he shoots 90. At the end of the season, he asks for their secret. It's their religion, they tell him. They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds. Desperate to play well, over the winter O'Keefe converts, joins a synagogue, prays, celebrates the festivals and Sabbath, and looks forward to spring. Come spring, he meets his friends and they tee it up. Again, they break par and he shoots 90. Frustrated, he explains that he converted, prayed, worshipped, and studied, but his golf didn't get any better. One Orthodox Jew asks, "Which synagogue did you join?" "Beth Shalom," O'Keefe replies. "Fool," comes the reply. "That's the synagogue for tennis." It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee." Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption. A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!" Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?" Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?" "Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said. "She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive. When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!" All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left." The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"